we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
