I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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