Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
