every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
