Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think my moral compass just broke
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
True college students do jello shots in the library
Shame is for Republicans.
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