I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
