in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Are we still banned from the library?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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