finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize