Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
MIDGETS
????
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
