halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
