New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
