a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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