my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Im part way to drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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