Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
