What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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