I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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