I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
