cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
did you just send me my own nude
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
