Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
