Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
