Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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