Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
