I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
