____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
