she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
