woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
