his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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