Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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