Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
