I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
