you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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