Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
