i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
