I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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