Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
