I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
