I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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