when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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