What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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