bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
