***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
