Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
