Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
