I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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