I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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