I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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