My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
