Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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