just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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