I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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