Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
