No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
