just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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