He kissed a someone with a penis
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
