I wish I only lived at night.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
